Hilarious Maternity Jokes That Will Have You Laughing for Two

Last year, when my sister announced she was expecting, I tried to lighten the mood by preparing a comedy set titled Maternity Jokes. Let me just say, it was a labor of love. The only thing that grew faster than her belly was the list of jokes I wrote. I had never seen a baby bump jiggle from laughter before.

So now, it is time to deliver more punchlines than a diaper commercial.

Funny Maternity Jokes

1. I asked a pregnant friend if she wanted pickles or ice cream. She said both. In a sandwich.
2. Morning sickness is nature’s way of saying, Welcome to motherhood.
3. Her glow is actually sweat from carrying twins.
4. Ultrasounds are just baby selfies.
5. Maternity is like being a mummy; you are wrapped up in chaos but still trying to look cute.
6. She named her bump Fred. Fred kicks a lot.
7. I asked her what contractions felt like. She said, A full-body cramp with bonus yelling.
8. Babies are great listeners. They just do not show it until after birth.
9. If baby kicks were frequent flyer miles, she would be in Paris by now.
10. Her feet have officially filed a complaint.
11. Baby showers are the only parties where diapers are gifts.

Maternity Leave Jokes

1. Her out-of-office message includes baby giggles.
2. She left her keyboard for a crib.
3. Her inbox now receives lullabies.
4. Maternity leave is just baby boot camp.
5. She traded spreadsheets for spit-up.
6. Her new boss cries more but is cuter.
7. Her lunch breaks involve burping.
8. She logs into bottles not browsers.
9. Her coworker is a stuffed giraffe.
10. She wears pajamas for meetings now.

Diaper Drama

1. Changing diapers is a martial art.
2. She is fluent in baby wipes.
3. Diapers are just burritos with consequences.
4. Her baby exploded. Not literally. But it was close.
5. Maternity pennies saved today may go straight to diapers and midnight snacks tomorrow.
6. Diaper cream is now her signature scent.
7. She counts wipes like gold coins.
8. Diaper blowouts defy physics.
9. She has ninja reflexes with those snaps.
10. Baby changed. So did her wardrobe.
11. Diaper bags are fashion statements now.

Cravings and Confessions

1. Pickles dipped in chocolate? Classic.
2. Her shopping list read weird but delicious.
3. She cried over a missing donut.
4. Her baby wanted nachos. At 3 AM.
5. She once ate a taco during an ultrasound.
6. Cravings make her a midnight snack legend.
7. She created a sandwich so powerful, it got applause.
8. She invented pregnancy pizza. It had marshmallows.
9. Her fridge fears her.
10. Food delivery knows her by name.

Nursery Nonsense

1. She painted the nursery five times.
2. The baby has more clothes than she does.
3. Stuffed animals have taken over.
4. She built a crib with tears and instructions.
5. Her baby mobile plays dramatic symphonies.
6. Wall decals are her nemesis.
7. Maternity at a 40th birthday party means you are either pregnant or trying to avoid being the one who is.
8. There is a rocking chair that squeaks with attitude.
9. The lamp shade is wearing a tutu.
10. She organized by color, season, and mood.
11. Her baby monitor is smarter than her phone.

Name Game Giggles

1. She almost named the baby after a cereal.
2. Every name reminds someone of a pet.
3. Her family has opinions. Loud ones.
4. She wants unique. Not unspellable.
5. Someone suggested Moonpie.
6. Her list is longer than a phone book.
7. She tests names by yelling them.
8. Baby’s future initials spell LOL.
9. She picked a name. The baby disagrees.
10. She dreams of birth certificates.

Hospital Hilarity

1. She packed ten outfits. Wore one.
2. Her birth playlist included Eye of the Tiger.
3. She yelled at a nurse. Then apologized.
4. Her partner fainted. Twice.
5. Contractions started during dessert.
6. Maternity is spiritual; nothing brings you closer to a higher power than the thought of childbirth.
7. Her gown was backwards. No one told her.
8. She brought snacks for labor. All melted.
9. Her epidural story involves confetti.
10. The birth photographer saw everything.
11. She left with a baby and five hospital socks.

Baby Shower Shenanigans

1. Someone gifted her a onesie with a cape.
2. The cake had a baby inside. A plastic one.
3. She cried during the diaper raffle.
4. Games included Guess the Belly. She won.
5. Her grandma wrapped a pacifier like jewelry.
6. She got five baby thermometers. Zero instructions.
7. Her friend made a diaper bouquet.
8. Her mother-in-law brought confetti cannons.
9. The baby kicked during gift opening.
10. They played pin the pacifier on the baby.

The Great Nesting Phase

1. She vacuumed the ceiling.
2. Her pantry looks like a museum.
3. She labeled everything including the cat.
4. She reorganized socks by emotion.
5. Nesting made her mop the driveway.
6. She alphabetized spices in five languages.
7. Maternity knitting is just making sure the baby has more sweaters than you ever will.
8. Her partner is hiding from chores.
9. She folded clothes that do not exist yet.
10. Even the remote has a docking station.
11. Her plants got repotted. Twice.

Parenthood Prep Fails

1. They practiced swaddling with burritos.
2. Her partner installed the car seat in the living room.
3. They timed contractions with pizza slices.
4. Their birth plan included dance breaks.
5. They read a baby book backwards.
6. Their diaper genie is now a coffee table.
7. They rehearsed lullabies like Broadway shows.
8. She googled every symptom. Twice.
9. Their nursery camera caught a ghost. It was a balloon.
10. They baby-proofed the dog.

When my cousin finally had her baby, she looked at me and said, I survived contractions, diaper explosions, and your maternity jokes. That is high praise coming from someone who just lived through labor.

These puns, pickles, and punchlines have become my favorite baby shower gift. If you enjoyed this parenting parade of puns, send it to someone expecting or just in need of a good giggle. Because nothing says love like a joke that makes you laugh for two.