Laugh Until Your Mascara Runs with These Best Joan Rivers Jokes

I still remember the time I tried to do stand-up at my cousin’s wedding. Let me tell you, the cake collapsed faster than my confidence, and I realized there is a reason people like Joan Rivers existed. The woman could turn a grocery list into a roast.
So today, I am diving into Joan Rivers Jokes with the hope that somewhere in here, my jokes will not make the DJ unplug the mic. Get ready, because if Joan taught us anything, it is that life is funnier when you say exactly what you should not.

Best Joan Rivers Jokes

1. Joan Rivers said Botox was her best friend. I tried it once and my face still looks like it is buffering.
2. She claimed her plastic surgeon had frequent flyer miles on her face. Mine just has debt collectors.
3. Joan once said she did not exercise because if God wanted her to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. I bend over only when Wi-Fi drops.
4. She joked her husband never left her. That is because GPS had not been invented yet.
5. Joan said her body was a temple. Mine is more like a food court with questionable options.
6. She said men are like Kleenex, soft, strong, and disposable. I keep running into the extra-rough ones.
7. Joan Rivers tried playing the ukulele, but the only thing she could string together was a joke.
8. Joan once called marriage a deck of cards. At first all you need are two hearts and a diamond. Later you just want a club and a spade.
9. She said she hated housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.
10. Joan joked that she had so much plastic surgery she could smile to her ankle. I just smile and my back gives out.
11. She once said she asked her husband for breakfast in bed, and he told her to sleep in the kitchen.

Joan Rivers Elizabeth Taylor Jokes

1. Joan said Elizabeth Taylor’s favorite exercise was fork lifts.
2. She said Elizabeth Taylor’s blood type was Ragu.
3. Joan claimed Elizabeth Taylor had more chins than a Chinese phone book.
4. She said Elizabeth Taylor had so many diamonds, her blood sparkled at airport security.
5. Joan joked Elizabeth Taylor did not need a diet plan, she needed a zoning permit.
6. She once said Elizabeth Taylor wore stretch pants so tight you could read her will.
7. Joan said Elizabeth Taylor ordered pizza by the zip code.
8. She joked Elizabeth Taylor was the only woman who could get takeout from Weight Watchers.
9. She said Elizabeth Taylor had a salad bar as a pet.
10. Joan claimed Elizabeth Taylor had a favorite restaurant chair with its own seatbelt.

Joan Rivers on Fashion Fails

1. Joan said, ‘I do not dress to impress men. If I did, I would wear Velcro.’
2. She claimed leggings are just yoga pants in witness protection.
3. Joan said if you cannot find your waist, honey, neither can the belt.
4. She once said wearing Crocs should come with a court summons.
5. Joan said sequins are for women who want to look like disco balls with credit card debt.
6. Joan Rivers as a preacher would probably tell you that hell is just another comedy club.
7. She joked about oversized handbags being portable garbage cans with receipts.
8. Joan said short skirts should come with a warning label: contents under pressure.
9. She claimed animal print should only be worn by animals or women hiding their husbands.
10. Joan said if your dress glitters more than your personality, you need therapy.
11. She said fashion is like a diet: no one sticks to it, and everyone cheats at weddings.

Joan Rivers on Aging

1. Joan said her wrinkles were just smile lines. Mine look like my face is buffering.
2. She once said her sex life was like the economy, in recession.
3. Joan said she was at the age where her back went out more than she did.
4. She joked that the only thing firm on her body was her plastic surgeon’s handshake.
5. Joan said her body had so many renovations it qualified for a reality show.
6. She said she looked forward to menopause because it meant her dating pool would shrink.
7. Joan said at her age, candles cost more than the cake.
8. She claimed she had so much Botox her forehead had a no-parking sign.
9. Joan said she did not buy green bananas anymore. Too risky.
10. She once joked the only thing standing between her and a facelift was gravity.

Joan Rivers on Hollywood

1. Joan said Hollywood marriages last as long as milk without refrigeration.
2. She claimed celebrities named their kids after Wi-Fi passwords.
3. Joan joked that Botox was the official sponsor of the Oscars.
4. She said Hollywood agents were like mosquitoes, always sucking but never satisfied.
5. Joan once said in Hollywood, plastic surgery is a handshake.
6. She joked that celebrities marry for publicity, not love, and then divorce for ratings.
7. Joan said Hollywood diets start with kale and end with cake.
8. When Joan Rivers went to Kentucky, even the horses asked for autographs.
9. She claimed celebrity pets get more spa treatments than the average human.
10. Joan said in Hollywood, talent is optional, but cheekbones are mandatory.
11. She said the Walk of Fame should include stars for surgeons.

Joan Rivers on Love Life

1. Joan said her husband asked her to talk dirty, so she mentioned housework.
2. She joked her boyfriend thought commitment meant upgrading his Wi-Fi plan.
3. Joan said her sex life was like Swiss cheese, full of holes and rarely fresh.
4. She claimed men treated her like Google, always searching but never understanding.
5. Joan once said love was like a credit card. Easy to swipe, hard to pay off.
6. She said her husband’s idea of romance was letting her pick the pizza toppings.
7. Joan said she wanted a man who was tall, dark, and left her alone.
8. She joked the only thing hotter than her love life was her curling iron.
9. Joan said marriage was an institution, but she had no desire to be institutionalized.
10. She said her love life was like a soap opera, full of reruns and dramatic exits.

Joan Rivers on Food

1. Joan said her fridge had more leftovers than her dating life.
2. She claimed diets are like boyfriends, always disappointing.
3. Joan said her favorite workout was chewing.
4. She joked her fridge light saw her more than her husband ever did.
5. Joan said the only six-pack she liked came from the liquor store.
6. She said calories are little creatures that sew your clothes tighter at night.
7. Joan claimed her favorite salad was pizza with a lettuce leaf nearby.
8. She joked her diet plan was to eat whatever her kids did not finish.
9. Joan said she loved seafood: she saw food and ate it.
10. Joan Rivers said hello to a selfie and the selfie replied, “I look better than you today.”
11. She said her idea of portion control was eating from a smaller fork.

Joan Rivers on Beauty Routines

1. Joan said her mirror was her worst enemy.
2. She joked that makeup was war paint for grocery shopping.
3. Joan said mascara should come with a waterproof parachute.
4. She once said lipstick was cheaper than therapy.
5. Joan claimed high heels were devices of medieval torture.
6. She said her skin care routine was called praying.
7. Joan joked that contouring was like face geometry homework.
8. She said fake lashes were the new power ties.
9. Joan said self-tanner was just camouflage for the hopeless.
10. She joked her beauty sleep was just a nap with concealer on.

Joan Rivers on Money

1. Joan said her wallet was on a starvation diet.
2. She joked shopping is cardio with receipts.
3. Joan said retail therapy was cheaper than Prozac, but only slightly.
4. She claimed her credit card had more drama than reality TV.
5. Joan said money cannot buy happiness, but it buys Botox, which is close enough.
6. She joked her savings account was just dust with a password.
7. Joan said Black Friday was her personal Olympics.
8. Joan Rivers tried taking a selfie, but the camera demanded a punchline first.
9. She claimed being broke built character, but she preferred plastic.
10. Joan said her accountant aged faster than she did.
11. She said her purse was like a bank vault with snacks.

Joan Rivers on Family

1. Joan said her daughter was her best friend, mainly because she owed her money.
2. She joked her family tree was more like a shrub with gossip.
3. Joan said family reunions were group therapy without insurance.
4. She claimed her relatives treated Wi-Fi like religion, sacred and untouchable.
5. Joan said the only inheritance her kids would get was punchlines.
6. She joked Thanksgiving was a hostage situation with turkey.
7. Joan said her relatives hugged her wallet tighter than her.
8. She claimed Christmas dinner was a roast of her cooking skills.
9. Joan said family photos should come with warning labels.
10. She said her house was proof that family chaos is louder than love.

So here I am, laughing alone in my living room like a person who just discovered cable TV in 1993. The truth is, Joan Rivers jokes are the kind of medicine you never ask your doctor for, but you absolutely need. I will never forget the time I tried to deliver one of her jokes at a family dinner and my aunt nearly spit mashed potatoes across the table.
If that is not a sign of true comedy, then I do not know what is. Stick around, because the next laugh could be louder than my uncle’s snoring.