Timeless Henny Youngman Jokes That Will Leave You in Stitches

A few years ago, I found myself laughing uncontrollably at a comedy special featuring Henny Youngman. His one-liners were so quick, I thought my sides would split. Ever since, I have been hooked on his humor, constantly sharing his jokes with friends and family. His timeless wit has a way of sneaking up on you, catching you off guard, and before you know it.
You are laughing so hard you forget what you were even laughing about. If you are in need of a good laugh, you are in the right place. Keep reading to discover the hilarious world of Henny Youngman jokes!

Henny Youngman One-Liner Jokes

1. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
2. I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
3. My wife and I met on the internet, my wife’s computer crashed and she has not talked to me since.
4. I once got in trouble for my sense of humor. I told my wife her cooking reminded me of a song… “How Sweet It Is.” She didn’t like the rest of the lyrics.
5. I once asked the waiter for a glass of water, and he gave me a glass of water. I guess I have low expectations.
6. The secret to a happy marriage is a sense of humor. Fortunately, my wife’s is better than mine.
7. Henny Youngman met Abby and said, “Take my advice, not my jokes; she already did both.”
8. I told my therapist about my fear of commitment. She said, ‘You can leave at any time.’ I thought, ‘I already have.’
9. I asked my doctor if I could do sit-ups. He said, ‘Sure, but just do not expect to stand up afterward.’
10. I thought about writing a book on anti-gravity. It would be impossible to put down.
11. I just got a light bulb that lasts forever… I am so excited to never change it.

Henny Youngman Doctor Jokes

1. I went to my doctor and told him, ‘It hurts when I touch my shoulder.’ He said, ‘Well, stop touching it!’
2. I asked my doctor if I was fit. He said, ‘Yes, for your size.’ I have been avoiding the gym ever since.
3. I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
4. I told my doctor I had a bad back. He said, ‘I know, I have been trying to get you to stop carrying all that extra weight.’
5. My doctor told me I need more exercise, so I thought about running… to the fridge.
6. The doctor gave me some pills for my insomnia. Now I am too tired to remember if I took them.
7. I asked my doctor if I could improve my memory. He said, ‘I will have to check your medical records.’
8. My doctor said I need more vitamins. I told him I get all the vitamins I need from gummy bears.
9. I asked my doctor if I could get a second opinion. He said, ‘Sure, you are ugly too.’
10. The doctor told me I need more fiber in my diet, so I added some social media scrolling.

Henny Youngman Marriage Jokes

1. I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She said, ‘Nothing.’ I gave her a mirror.
2. Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
3. I told my wife I wanted to live forever. She said, ‘Sorry, you will just have to settle for living with me.’
4. I gave my wife the best gift ever: My undivided attention. Then she asked me to help with the laundry.
5. Henny Youngman went to a Dominican barber; even his punchlines got a clean fade.
6. Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
7. I told my wife, ‘If you want me to listen to you, you will have to say it again in a language I understand: sarcasm.’
8. I married Miss Right. I just did not know her first name was Always.
9. My wife says I never listen to her… or something like that.
10. When we first got married, I told my wife I would love her forever. Now, I just say, ‘It feels like forever.’
11. Marriage is a great institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Henny Youngman Wife Jokes

1. I asked my wife if she wanted a gift for our anniversary. She said, ‘No, I already have everything I need.’ I bought her a mirror.
2. I told my wife I loved her so much, I would climb the highest mountain for her. She asked, ‘Can you just take out the trash?’
3. My wife said she wanted a surprise for her birthday. So I gave her a list of all my bad habits.
4. I told my wife I was going to buy her a new wardrobe. She said, ‘Please do not, the one you bought me last year is already gathering dust.’
5. I told my wife I would stop spending all our money on useless things. She said, ‘Thank you… and when did you start?’
6. My wife is the best cook, but she said, ‘I cannot cook, I only follow recipes.’ I said, ‘Then why do I always end up getting heartburn?’
7. I bought my wife a new car. She asked, ‘Why did not you buy yourself one?’ I said, ‘Well, someone has to drive it!’
8. I told my wife she was the best thing that ever happened to me. She said, ‘That is the nicest thing you have said all week.’
9. I told my wife I had a headache. She said, ‘I will get you some aspirin… and a cold cloth.’ I said, ‘No, just leave the cold cloth. It is the only thing that works on me.’
10. I told my wife I would take her on a luxury vacation… so I took her to a hotel room with a view of the parking lot.

Henny Youngman Family Jokes

1. My mother told me I should be a doctor. I said, ‘I already am… the way I diagnose everyone’s problems.’
2. I told my father I wanted to be an actor. He said, ‘Just be yourself, but do not act like me.’
3. My family’s idea of quality time is when we all sit around the TV and yell at each other.
4. Henny Youngman tried mind control once; he audience finally laughed on command.
5. I asked my brother for advice. He said, ‘Do not listen to anyone who asks for advice.’
6. My cousin asked me if I wanted to be a clown. I said, ‘I think I have more important things to do, like run for office.’
7. I asked my uncle for a good piece of advice, and he said, ‘Get a job, stop asking me for advice!’
8. My aunt said, ‘You have so many talents!’ I replied, ‘Yeah, too bad none of them pay.’
9. My dad told me I should take up fishing. I said, ‘But I cannot catch anything, not even a break.’
10. My sister’s idea of a great time is watching movies. Mine is watching her watch movies.
11. I asked my family for help fixing my car. They told me to ‘Google it.’

Henny Youngman Friendship Jokes

1. A friend asked me if I had a minute. I said, ‘Well, I had one earlier today.’
2. My friend said he could not make it to the party. I said, ‘That is okay, I am not even sure I am going yet.’
3. I told my friend that I could never imagine my life without him. He said, ‘You do not have to; it is already happening.’
4. My friend invited me to go fishing. I said, ‘I will go if I can fish for compliments.’
5. I told my friend I wanted to start working out. He said, ‘I will help, but let’s not make it too serious. We will just lift some spirits.’
6. I asked my best friend for advice. He said, ‘Buy low, sell high.’ I told him that was stock advice, not life advice.
7. I told my friend I was moving to the city. He said, ‘I thought you were already there.’ I said, ‘No, I was living in denial.’
8. I told my friend I was writing a book. He said, ‘You are still alive? That is impressive.’
9. I asked my friend if he wanted to start a band. He said, ‘I would, but my talent is the only thing that is flat.’
10. I asked my friend if he wanted to see a movie. He said, ‘Only if I can fall asleep before it starts.’

Best Henny Youngman Jokes

1. Life is like a box of chocolates… you never know when you are going to get disappointed.
2. I always dreamed of being a millionaire, but life has a way of reminding me that I am perfectly content being broke.
3. Life is all about balance. For instance, I balance my bank account with the weight of my debt.
4. Life is what happens when you are busy planning to avoid what is happening.
5. I once tried to plan my life. It took one whole minute before I realized nothing went according to plan.
6. Life is too short to take seriously… that is why I take naps.
7. They say life is the best teacher, but I think it is a bit too harsh with the lessons.
8. Life is like a rollercoaster: a few highs, a lot of lows, and that moment when you think you are about to puke.
9. Henny Youngman spilled coffee on his brown suit and said, “At least now I am fully brewed.”
10. Life is not about finding yourself, it is about finding someone who has already figured it out and pretending to agree.
11. Life is like a sandwich; the more you put in, the better it gets.

Henny Youngman Technology Jokes

1. I asked my phone what to do when I was bored. It gave me a list of apps I already deleted.
2. I tried to make a robot friend, but it just did not compute.
3. I told my computer I needed help with my homework. It said, ‘Do not ask me, I am still trying to understand autocorrect.’
4. I asked Siri why it always seems to misunderstand me. She replied, ‘Because I am not human, but keep trying, buddy.’
5. I bought a smart fridge. Now it tells me what is in it. Too bad it cannot cook dinner.
6. I tried to teach my pet robot how to bark, but it just keeps asking for Wi-Fi.
7. I told my phone, ‘You are acting up.’ It replied, ‘Look at the mirror.’
8. My computer gave me a virus. I said, ‘Well, I guess we both need some help.’
9. I asked Alexa how to fix a relationship. She replied, ‘This conversation is beyond my capabilities.’
10. I told my laptop, ‘I am bored.’ It asked me if I wanted to play a game. I said, ‘I am trying to fix my life, not make it worse.’

Henny Youngman Money Jokes

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it can buy a yacht. And on that yacht, I am sure I can find happiness.
2. I used to have a lot of money, but then I bought a lot of coffee.
3. I asked my bank for a loan, and they said, ‘Do you have any collateral?’ I replied, ‘I have a lot of hope.’
4. I told my friend I was saving money for the future. He said, ‘If you do not stop saving, there would not be any future.’
5. I think I have discovered the secret to happiness… no bills.
6. I told my wallet to stop hiding from me. It just keeps getting thinner and thinner.
7. I asked my credit card for a vacation. It said, ‘Sorry, I am on a break from you.’
8. I once found money in my pocket. Then I realized I was just hoping.
9. I have no money, but I have plenty of excuses.
10. Henny Youngman’s greeting was simple: “Hello, laugh now, thank me later.”
11. I am trying to save money, but every time I look at my credit card bill, I am convinced I just spent all my savings.

Henny Youngman Work Jokes

1. I told my boss I needed a raise. He gave me a thumbs up. I asked for money, not encouragement.
2. I am not saying my job is hard, but the other day, my boss told me I could work from home. I worked from my bed.
3. Work is like a vacation… if your idea of a vacation is being stuck at the office all day.
4. I went to work with a smile on my face. By lunchtime, I was looking for an escape route.
5. I used to work for a company that made yo-yos. It was an up-and-down experience.
6. I told my coworkers I would work harder if they gave me a raise. They gave me a coffee mug.
7. I work best under pressure. The problem is, I only work when I am under pressure.
8. I was promoted at work! They gave me a new chair with more back support.
9. I told my boss I wanted a new position. She said, ‘I will put you in a corner.’
10. I finally got a promotion at work. They made me the designated coffee maker.

Well, there you have it. Hopefully, these Henny Youngman jokes brought a smile to your face. If you ever need another dose of humor, just come back for more. Henny’s jokes never seem to age, and neither does his charm.
Maybe next time, I will share some more from the ‘old-timey’ comedian playbook. But for now, I will leave you with one final thought: laughter is the best medicine… unless you are allergic to it.