Laughter Is the Best Survival Skill; Friday the 13th Puns Ahead!

Last Friday the 13th, I tried baking cookies, cutting my own bangs, and watching a horror movie. Now my cookies are burnt, my bangs are crooked, and I am 90% sure my toaster is haunted.
Clearly, Friday the 13th puns has a twisted sense of humor so I decided to fight spooky with silly. Ready for some puns that kill (with laughter)? Let us go!

Camp Crystal Gaggin

1. I told Jason to chill and he said, “I do, every time I go camping.”
2. Friday the 13th is the only day Jason wears a tie to a slash meeting.
3. My tent zipped itself shut when it heard it was Friday the 13th.
4. Jason tried therapy, but the chainsaw kept interrupting.
5. The GPS took me to Camp Crystal Lake and said, “Good luck.”
6. I brought s’mores to Camp Blood, but the only thing roasting was my soul.
7. Jason joined a yoga class but could not “relax his machete.”
8. I hope your Sunday is as lucky as a four-leaf clover, but with less awkwardness than a Friday the 13th.
9. The camp counselor said, “Run,” but forgot to mention from what.
10. Jason got a job at IKEA. Everyone keeps disappearing in the wardrobe section.
11. Camp Crystal Lake’s Yelp reviews are killer literally.

Machete? I Barely Know Her!

1. I tried to shake Jason’s hand, but he only offered machete tips.
2. Jason tried online dating, but kept getting ghosted by actual ghosts.
3. His dating profile says “Loves long walks, dark woods, and revenge.”
4. Someone told Jason to “cut the tension,” and he took it way too literally.
5. Jason got cast in a cooking show. His specialty? Cold cuts.
6. He asked for a slice of pizza, then became the slicer.
7. Jason walked into a barber shop and asked for “just the tips.”
8. He took a fencing class, but insisted on bringing his machete.
9. Jason tried therapy, but the couch kept bleeding.
10. He bought a Swiss Army Knife and said, “For subtle days.”

Unlucky and Unapologetically Punny

1. I broke a mirror, walked under a ladder, and still felt safer than camping today.
2. Friday the 13th is when black cats avoid me.
3. My luck is so bad, even my fortune cookie said “Yikes.”
4. Someone sneezed and I said, “Bless you,” and now I am cursed.
5. My horoscope said, “Just stay inside and cry.”
6. I opened an umbrella indoors and summoned an ex.
7. I spilled salt, tossed it over my shoulder, and hit Jason.
8. I spent the whole day wrapping presents, but I could not wrap my head around why Friday the 13th has such a scary reputation.
9. My cereal turned to blood. Still ate it. Worth it.
10. Even my Roomba refuses to come out today.
11. I tried to sage the house, but it smoked back.

Friday the 13th; The Musical 

1. The opening number is called “Machete Me Softly.”
2. Jason sings bass. Very buried in the mix.
3. The choreography is killer. Literally.
4. The intermission is just screaming.
5. Tickets are free. The price is your soul.
6. The director got chopped on opening night.
7. The ensemble dies in act one. Still a full cast.
8. It was nominated for a Tony. Tony did not survive.
9. The standing ovation was from the undead.
10. Someone yelled “Encore!” and Jason came back.

Why Not to Go Camping Today

1. The lake is boiling. That seems bad.
2. The trees whisper Latin curses.
3. Your tent was pitched by itself. Again.
4. The marshmallows scream when roasted.
5. The raccoons have machetes.
6. The lifeguard is wearing a ski mask.
7. Your flashlight keeps showing faces.
8. The firewood bleeds.
9. Your sleeping bag is zipped from the inside.
10. Wearing a sweater on Friday the 13th is a good idea. At least it keeps you warm when the chill of bad luck creeps in.
11. The WiFi is called “RUN!”

Crystal Lake Tourism Board

1. Our slogan; “You will not leave.”
2. We offer free screams with every check in.
3. All trails lead in circles. Bloody ones.
4. Our lifeguard is “emotionally distant.”
5. Local cuisine includes your last breath.
6. Bring friends. You will need witnesses.
7. We guarantee a one night stay. Just one.
8. Petfriendly. Pets taste just like chicken.
9. Bring your own bandages.
10. Checkout time is eternal.

Friday the 13th Office Edition

1. My boss said “cut costs” and now the copier is in half.
2. Jason is in charge of team building. No one builds.
3. Water cooler talk is mostly screams.
4. The break room has… a breaking point.
5. “Casual Friday” now includes running shoes.
6. On Friday the 13th, the sun shines as bright as my mood… after I realize I am not superstitious anymore.
7. HR filed itself under “Missing.”
8. The printer jams and bleeds.
9. Our intern was last seen in the supply closet. With Jason.
10. Our Slack channel is just “AAAAHHH.”
11. Pizza Friday? More like Pieces Friday.

Thirteen is the New Number One

1. My lucky number is thirteen. Just kidding. It killed my last number.
2. Jason uses Roman numerals. XIII or die.
3. I won the lottery on Friday the 13th. Then I immediately lost my soul.
4. The elevator skipped floor thirteen. Jason did not.
5. My hotel room is 1313. I sleep in the hallway.
6. My birthday is on Friday the 13th. I stopped aging out of fear.
7. My WiFi password is 131313. Hackers just left.
8. I scored 13 points in trivia and got banned.
9. My cat turned thirteen and demanded a sacrifice.
10. I lit thirteen candles and summoned my middle school trauma.

Friday the 13th Zodiac Edition

1. Aries; Avoid sharp objects. Or Jason.
2. Taurus; Your stubbornness will not outlast the chainsaw.
3. Gemini; You are literally too faced. Choose wisely.
4. Cancer; The lake is calling. Do not answer.
5. Leo; Pride comes before the stab.
6. Virgo; Cleanliness does not help against blood.
7. Libra; Balance your life or Jason will.
8. Scorpio; Your sting is no match for a machete.
9. I have a leap year resolution to never worry about Friday the 13th… unless it falls in a month with two Fridays the 13th.
10. Sagittarius; Aim high. Like, out of the forest.
11. Capricorn; Stop climbing trees. Jason climbs faster.

Final Girl Problems

1. Tried to escape but tripped on plot armor.
2. All her friends died. Again. New semester.
3. The GPS keeps recalculating to Camp Crystal.
4. Her scream is now a ringtone.
5. Keeps dating guys named Jason. Bad idea.
6. Her LinkedIn says “Survivor.”
7. Cannot find pants without bloodstains.
8. Lost her voice. Again. Due to screaming.
9. Yoga helps but machete flashbacks persist.
10. Just want brunch without body count.

After writing all these Friday the 13th puns, my lights flickered and I nearly screamed. Turns out it was just my cat walking across the power strip.
If laughter cannot stop bad luck, at least it makes it way more fun. Thanks for reading the next curse?